Episode 127: How (& When) to Break Up With Friends
Friend breakups don’t get enough attention, and the truth is, they are very, very common among entrepreneurs.
They’re a big deal. Who you hang out with matters, and if you’re considering severing a relationship, there’s probably a really good reason for it.
Chances are, if you chose to listen to this specific podcast episode, it’s because you’re dealing with this. You might have outgrown your friend, maybe you’re no longer interested in the same things, or it could be there was bad behavior on the part of your friend. Sometimes, it’s time to break up. It’s a tough decision, certainly, but one you have to make at times.
When to break up with a friend
Boundary violation
The most common reason to break up with a friend is bad behavior on their part. First, let’s recognize that if you’re angry, there has probably been a boundary violation. That violation can be painful. And that anger and pain can be an indicator that it’s time to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Staying in a relationship that isn’t healthy is a signal that you cannot be trusted. Yes, you read that right. We usually don’t think of it that way -- we think about not trusting others. We’re human beings, and we’re going to mess up, but you have to be able to trust that you’re not going to put yourself in a situation where you will get hurt repeatedly.
If you choose to stay in a relationship after getting hurt over and over, you are now abusing yourself. You need to have the courage and self-trust to end the relationship.
Outgrown each other
Another reason a friendship might end is you’ve outgrown each other. And this isn’t a judgment call. People go through life at their own pace, and we shouldn’t judge other people’s paths, but sometimes the conversations start to shift.
Remember that your day-to-day life is made up of the conversations you have. Who are you talking to about the goals, fears and joy in your life? Every moment matters. Every conversation is precious.
If you’re hanging out with people who are up to something, people who are challenging themselves in sales and marketing and revenue, you’re going to have a different conversation than the one with someone who’s talking about the latest show on TV. (Both are fun, by the way.)
Understand that you get to choose. It doesn’t matter which types of conversations you want to have, but if they’re not clicking with your friends, maybe you’re starting to head down different paths.
How to break up with a friend
It can be challenging, but try to have a conversation face to face. If you’ve been friends with someone for more than 20 minutes, they deserve your respect. I don’t care what they’ve done. I dont’ care who they are. You are not somebody who leaves people in a worse position than you found them. Be honest. How they react has nothing to do with you. If you feel like a face-to-face conversation is something you absolutely cannot do, try a phone call. Don’t break up with a friend over text. That’s cruel. People’s bad behavior doesn't warrant bad behavior on your part.
When you have the conversation, be direct and honest with the person. The reason to do that is twofold. It’s important you hear yourself stand up for YOU. You have no way to control what the other person does, but you do have 100% control over the ability to stand up for yourself.
The second reason is to give them the opportunity to learn. Most people -- even the ones who do bad things -- don’t wake up in the morning and say "How can I destroy someone else’s day today?" Do we all make mistakes and make stupid decisions? Yes. That doesn’t mean we wake up with malice and the intent to hurt people.
Another way to break up with a friend is the slow fade out. Some people can’t handle confrontation, so they fade out. They stop answering the phone, they stop making plans. It’s a slow pullback. If it’s not working, and they need to hear it from you, can you just be kind and let them know? "I think you’ re fantastic, but I don’t think we’ re going to be close friends anymore. I hope when I see you we can always be kind and check in."
Remember, it’s YOUR choice
Look at the level of conversations you’re having and be aware of what they are. Make sure they fill you up, make sure you enjoy having them. You don’t have to be friends with everyone. You can be friendly without having to be friends. Who you hang out with matters. The conversation and people you spend time with shape how you perceive the world.
