Episode 77: Why Your Day-To-Day Conversations Matter
Our day-to-day conversations are POWERFUL. They can dictate our days, weeks, and months — ultimately, they can shape our lives.
It's true. When I moved from Utah to California and then to the East Coast, my conversations changed from topics like "Who has the cleanest house and best-behaved children" to "How fit are you, and what's the latest diet" and then to "How busy are you, how important is your work, and what's the latest in politics."
Have you ever noticed the different conversations you have among your family and friend groups?
In this episode, I'm going to break down the five common conversation types we have as women, including the ones to avoid, the ones that drive us forward, and the ones that help us heal.
- Gossiping: Every single conversation filled with gossip is about superiority. It might come from a need to feel superior, a need to feel like your own life is on track or that you're doing okay (because someone else is not). Gossip distracts us from the actual work we want to be doing and tears others down. When you gossip, you are telling other people that you cannot be trusted, that you are not someone they can turn to when they are hurting and they're seeking to heal.
- Commiserating: Commiserating is a bit like detoxing. Sometimes we need to vent and get it out, but usually a pen and paper can help clear your mind in a natural, healthy way that no one needs to see. If you really feel that you need to share with someone, what you're actually doing is seeking to be heard (our fourth conversation type). But commiserating is usually what we do when we feel lousy and want other people to tell us they feel lousy too. It can become an excuse.
- Inspiring: It's important that you have friends or community that you can turn to when you need to be inspired. It can help you push through challenges and see possibilities and opportunities that are available to you. While commiseration keeps you locked in place, inspiration propels you forward — you can start to see what's next. I want to encourage you to turn to the people who've found their way to the other side of the mountain, be around people who dream bigger than you.
- Listening: The listening type of conversation is a beautiful combination between commiserating and inspiring conversations. There are times that all of us just need to be heard. It's important for our growth, our peace of mind, and our stress levels.
- Healing: You can't live your richest, fullest life if you are not sharing all of yourself with the people that love you most. When we've been hurt, we tend to run from pain. But I'm going to encourage you to run into it so that pain can't consume you and take over.
Hurt people hurt people. If you are running away from healing, you are hurting other people. I know that's not who you are or what you want to be doing. None of this is on purpose.
How to have a healing conversation
A healing conversation is one you need to have with yourself, and the person who hurts you — if you're willing.
The first thing you need to do is get the toxic stuff out. Write it out. Write it ALL out. Every single thing you've ever wanted to say to that person but never said ... just write it out.
The second thing you can do is write a nicer version. Let the people/person who hurt you know how it felt. Then read the letter as if you are that person. How are they going to receive that information? This type of exercise is tough. You don't want to pass on pain so they then hurt other people. Even if you hate them right now, they are a person too. Don't attack the other person, just state the facts.
My strategy is to write the letter and then rip it up. It's also very important to protect yourself if this is someone who is going to hurt you if they get this letter. Consider reading it aloud to someone you trust so you can get it out and know the communication was heard.
These healing conversations transcend family and friends — it might be clients or past loves. But please do the healing work. Be the person who inspires and talks about ideas rather than people
Tough conversations at work
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