329: Should I Stay or Should I Go? Finding Relationship Clarity with Karyn Spet
When “Should I Stay or Should I Go” Is Really About Coming Back to Yourself
I don't think I have a single girlfriend on planet Earth who hasn't asked some version of this question about her primary relationship. The should I stay or should I go question comes up — and when it does, it can trap us in this oscillation between right and wrong, good and bad, shame and no shame. It's a great question to ask. And it's also an exhausting one to live inside.
Here on the Game On Girlfriend® podcast, I talk a lot about building a business that actually supports your life. Part of that conversation, almost every single time, ends up including the relationship at the center of that life. As a business coach, I haven’t had a single client whose primary relationship wasn’t part of what we worked through at some point. How we show up inside our most important long-term relationship — how we see ourselves, how we speak up for ourselves — shapes everything else. Our confidence. Our clarity. Our capacity to keep going.
That’s why this conversation with Karyn Spetz matters so much. Karyn is a licensed clinical social worker and certified relationship coach who’s built her entire practice around women who are in exactly this place — questioning their marriage or long-term relationship and not knowing which direction to go.
In this episode of the Game On Girlfriend® podcast, we cover:
- Why personal growth so often triggers this kind of questioning
- How the second-guessing loop works and why it doesn't mean your instincts are broken
- What it actually takes to reconnect with yourself when everyone around you has an opinion
- Why the hardest part isn't making the decision, but learning to trust yourself enough to hear what you already know
- Why the conversations we're not having with our partners may be the most important ones of all
If this one is for you — welcome. And if it isn’t, you almost certainly know someone who needs to hear it. Pass it along.
Watch the Full Episode
Why So Many Women Are Asking This Question Right Now
Here’s what Karyn sees in her practice, and it tracks with what I’ve witnessed in mine: the rise of personal development — especially among women — has created a very specific kind of relationship friction. We’ve been doing the inner work. We’ve been learning who we are, what we actually want, what feels aligned versus what just feels familiar. Then one day we look up and realize the relationship we’ve been in for ten, twenty, or thirty years may no longer fit the person we’ve grown into.
That’s not a crisis. That’s growth. But it doesn’t make the disorientation any less real.
The second-guessing loop is one of the most exhausting parts of this experience — feeling completely clear one moment, completely lost the next. Karyn is honest about it throughout this conversation: it’s normal, it’s common, and it doesn’t mean your ability to make decisions is broken. It means you’re a human being navigating something genuinely hard.
“You just don’t know how you’re going to respond to any situation until you’re in that situation.” — Karyn Spetz
Why Your Friends and Family Can’t Give You This Answer
When we're in pain, we reach out to the people we love. That makes complete sense. But Karyn makes a point in this episode that can be very true at times: well-intentioned advice from people who love you can actually muddle your thinking — especially when it comes from someone who hasn’t been in this exact situation themselves.
Friends who think you deserve better tell you to leave. Family members who place a high value on commitment tell you to stay. Before long, you’re fielding pressure from every direction, and none of it is grounded in the quiet truth that lives inside you. That kind of external noise doesn’t clarify anything. Instead, it crowds out your own knowing.
The real goal here isn’t to find the right outside voice. It’s to come back to your own.
“I want to help you reconnect with yourself. What’s important to you? What are your values? What are you wanting for yourself, big picture? And what’s going to be the best way for you to put all that together?” — Karyn Spetz
The “Good Girl” Pattern and What It Quietly Costs Us
One of the most honest threads in this episode is the conversation about how many of us were taught, from a very young age, that our job was to accommodate — not to advocate.
“We get taught that from a very young age. I mean, to minimize your own feelings, to accommodate somebody else’s — that’s a thing.” — Karyn Spetz
Don’t say anything. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t upset anyone. That lesson gets absorbed early and runs quietly in the background for decades — right up until the day we realize it’s been costing us the relationship we actually want. With our partners, yes. But also, fundamentally, with ourselves.
Here’s what makes it especially tricky: what happens when we start to unlearn it. When we begin speaking up, setting expectations, and taking up more space — the relationship dynamic shifts. Our partners notice. And without a conversation to prepare the ground for that change, it can feel disorienting for everyone. That’s why Karyn strongly encourages giving your partner a heads-up — something as direct as, “I’m going to start speaking up more, and I really want your support in that.” Simple to say. Far from easy to do. But it's worth doing.
What If You Don’t Think Your Partner Will Go For It?
This is the moment where a lot of women mentally check out — “that’s never going to work in my relationship.” Karyn hears that all the time. She’s even heard it in her own head. Her answer is both warm and practical: give your partner the benefit of the doubt. See what happens. You might be surprised. And if you’re not?
“Either way, you have really good information.” — Karyn Spetz
The truth of that just hit me when she said it. No conversation is wasted. Even resistance is data. Knowing where you actually stand — not where you hope things stand, not where you fear they do — is what allows you to take your next step with real clarity. You can say with honesty: “I’ve had the conversations. I’ve genuinely tried. After all of that, I’ve gotten nothing but resistance.” That’s not failure. That’s something you can work with.
“Until You Tell Them, It’s a Secret”
I called this a bumper sticker moment out loud during our recording — because it’s just that clean and that true. We were talking about feeling invisible in a relationship. About how something can feel so enormous on the inside, so obvious, and yet your partner just doesn’t seem to see it at all. How do they not feel this? How is this not written all over everything?
Karyn’s answer is both honest and quietly relieving: they probably just don’t know. Because we haven’t told them. And until we do, everything we’re carrying stays invisible to the one person who could actually do something about it.
“You’ve got to let them in on this secret that you’re holding on to, because until you do, it’s a secret.” — Karyn Spetz
This isn’t about placing all the weight on your shoulders. What it does, though, is shift the starting point. Before we can know what’s truly possible with another person, we have to let them into what’s actually happening for us. Not the edited version. Not what we think they can handle. The real thing.
You Don’t Have to Stay Stuck in This Discomfort
Karyn closes this episode with something I want every woman who’s sitting in this place to really hear. What she finds heartbreaking — and I get it completely — is watching women sit inside this quiet discomfort for months or years, feeling like there’s no exit, like nothing is going to shift, like this is just how it is now.
“We sit in this discomfort for so long and you really don’t have to. And just because you may not see the way out one way or another doesn’t mean there’s not a way out.” — Karyn Spetz
There is a path forward. Not because Karyn or anyone else has the answer waiting for you, but because with the right support, you can come back to yourself clearly enough to finally hear what you already know — and start moving from that place instead of against it.
If this conversation is landing for you, Karyn’s six-week program, Should I Stay or Should I Go?, is built for exactly this moment. It’s an intensive program to help you reconnect with yourself, stop the second-guessing, feel more confident, and get clear on your next steps — one way or another. As Karyn says, she works from a place of no guilt, no pressure, and no agenda. Coming from a place like that changes everything about how the work feels.
Listen to the Full Episode
About Karyn Spetz
Karyn Spetz is a licensed clinical social worker and certified relationship coach who specializes in helping women who are questioning their marriage or long-term relationship and don’t know if they should stay or go. Drawing on her own life experiences, her professional training, and nearly 16 years of her own marriage, Karyn guides women through the process of reconnecting with themselves so they can move forward from a place of clarity, confidence, and self-trust — without guilt, pressure, or agenda.
Connect with Karyn
- Website: A Better Relationship Coaching
- Facebook: A Better Relationship Coaching
- Instagram: @abetterrelationshipcoaching
- YouTube: A Better Relationship Coaching
Karyn’s Program
Should I Stay or Should I Go? — 6-Week Intensive Coaching Program
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Episode 253: Ready to Reinvent Yourself? A Conversation with Anita Rombough — A central theme in this episode is personal growth that outpaces a relationship — wondering whether the life you’ve built still fits who you’re becoming. Anita’s conversation is about exactly that: making big changes and coming back into alignment with yourself. A natural next step from this one. Listen here
Episode 246: How to Let Go of the Bully In Your Brain with Allison Guilbault — The second-guessing loop Karyn describes throughout this episode is inner critic territory. Allison’s work on silencing negative self-talk is a direct complement — and helps listeners address the internal noise that keeps them stuck long after the external conversations have happened. Listen here
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About Sarah Walton
Sarah Walton is a business coach and the host of the Game On Girlfriend® podcast. Her mission is simple: to put more money in the hands of more women. She helps women entrepreneurs build profitable, sustainable businesses without burnout — working through both the mindset and the strategy sides of growth. Because when women have more financial power, they don't just keep it — they use it to take care of their families, support their communities, and build something bigger than themselves. Through her programs — including the Abundance Academy and The Art of Receiving — along with her online courses and one-on-one coaching, Sarah works with women who are ready to build profitable businesses and use that financial power to make a real difference in the world around them.
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