Episode 276: How the Patriarchy has Hurt Men (And How Men Can Heal) with Dr Ray Doktor
If men could connect to the idea that taking personal responsibility leads to expansion, more love, and what they want – things could get easier. However, they have to stop looking at themselves with the self-sabotaging belief that they’re not enough.
Today we’re making history with the first male guest on the Game on Girlfriend podcast. We often get pitched to have men on the podcast, and we usually say no, because I’ve worked really hard to make sure women have a place to go where they’re completely heard and understood as they launch businesses, have families, all those journeys.
So the reason that we have Dr. Ray Doktor as a guest is that he is working very diligently to help the men on this planet heal. I personally believe this is something that can have a massive effect on how we as women are doing business, how the world is working overall, how our sons feel as they grow, and the examples that men are giving to each other.
Much like it's going to take women talking to other women about the invisible unpaid work, we're also going to need men to work with other men to show them the example of men who can be assertive, confident, and wonderful, and still be warm, have integrity and understand their own emotions.
Dr. Ray is a best-selling author, recognized by the team behind the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. With a doctorate in clinical psychology and over 28 years of experience as a life and relationship coach, he has shared stages with some of the most influential voices in personal development, including Marianne Williamson, Bruce Lipton, John Gray, and Eckhart Tolle.
I’m so excited to bring Dr. Ray in to talk about what women can do to support the men ready for this transformation, and what things we might not know men are going through.
Path to helping men heal
Dr. Ray followed the path to psychology and supporting others after his second DUI at 23. He saw a drug and alcohol counselor and entered therapy. Rather than judge behavior, Dr. Ray would prefer to break it down. Maybe the person has poor coping mechanisms and strategies to deal with life.
“It's coming from unhealed trauma. It's coming from what they learned. It's coming from, you know, what was modeled for them,” says Dr. Ray. “I have been able to rest in that compassionate space to see the moving parts.”
Dr. Ray is a somatic practitioner. He says whatever is going to create change in the unconscious mind comes from the body. He says often when people go through trauma, in order for them to survive, they have to put that pain somewhere, and they dissociate.
They might seem successful, but they also might be feeling anxiety.
“So sometimes bypassing the head and moving into the heart and breathing and allowing the cellular memory to get kicked up, a person can identify to that core pain and be able to release it,” says Dr. Ray.
Men not doing the inner work
On one hand, Dr. Ray says that for men who don't have confidence and are insecure, and they want to be in a partnership, the messages that they're getting is that if they approach a woman, they could offend them.
They can come off as a creep. So they're afraid to approach women. And yet there are stronger women, who are saying, Where are all the guys? Why aren’t you asking me on a date?
On the other hand, there are men who are not seen as a predator and are well-received. Dr. Ray says in his case, over the past four years he’s been told he’s mansplaining as an expert. He’s even had his coaching partner – a woman – receive messages questioning her judgment and accusing him of narcissism.
“I have just come off as a confident man with a certain level of certainty, but I'm also very assertive, you know, and I'm direct, but it triggered stuff in them.”
Dr. Ray points to the more conservative men, who might be looking for a 1950s housewife, and are too narrow-minded to accept women who want to be able to show up and express themselves.
He said, regardless of what type of man you’re talking about, the issue is that most men are not doing the inner work. They want the easy path. They'll seek pleasure over pain even knowing it's going to lead to pain again, so they make poor choices. Or they say, ‘I can do it, I’ll figure it out,’ but they don’t.
Dr. Ray says there are many men who will put more value on performance than inner work. He finds that when he posts about holding space for women and their emotions, it’s typically the men who will want to shut down those posts and ideas. The perspective can become competitive and combative due to insecurity.
How to help a man heal
Dr. Ray says so many men are very much immersed in the collective narrative of competition and perfectionism. For example, if their partner shares something and it was delivered using an “I statement” such as “the way you spoke to me, it didn’t feel good and I didn’t feel safe,” it’s important to realize that is not a conclusion.
“That communication to a person who understands that, whether it's a masculine person or a feminine person, is recognizing that person's sharing how they feel in that moment,” says Dr. Ray. “It doesn't mean you're in a doghouse. It doesn't mean that they're right and you're wrong, that they're going to stop being with you.”
Dr. Ray says he’s worked with men who have called him, reacting to that moment of expression, and the work becomes helping them take personal responsibility for their actions.
“[Women are] basically saying that I'm here to improve also. I want to grow with you also. And therefore, when you take personal responsibility, I'm excited again,” says Dr. Ray. “But what happens men go into denial, they go into saying, well, you're not perfect.”
As far as what women can do, Dr. Ray says the man has to do the inner work. No matter how many compliments you give him, he won’t hear them if he doesn’t love himself.
“I could share with you that I'm afraid to show up because of women, too. I can't get a date because women are angry at men,” says Dr. Ray. “That's me surrendering. It's that I need to recognize something in myself that needs to be healed, or I need to build my confidence so I know that I'll meet the right person.”
He says women can be mindful of language when they are engaging.
“When you talk to man, such as, ‘You should be doing this,’ then he can feel spoken down to. It might create a power struggle. It might hit up against that part of themselves where they already don't feel good enough. They're competing with themselves and others,” says Dr. Ray.
But watching a man who has been able to remain masculine, assertive, and confident and still have access to his emotions is the example that so many men are looking for. It's important for them to see that it's safe to heal, and if they'll still be accepted in the world if they do this work.
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