Episode 260: 5 Rights to Parenting and Other Tips to Change Your Life With Holly Swenson

By Sarah Walton | December 24, 2024

Click here to watch the video version of this podcast episode

Can we just be honest about something? Everybody just thinks they're supposed to know how to be a parent, and then they freaking hand you this kid in the hospital, and you go home, and you're like, where's the manual? If you have been struggling with parenting, and you are struggling to run a business it’s not for the faint of heart.

Today's guest, Holly Swenson is an award-winning and best-selling author of “Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow”, a revolutionary book on conscious parenting.

She’s also a wellness blogger and perpetual student of life. Formally trained as a registered nurse and mother to four incredible sons, she brings her wisdom and lived experience to the forefront of her writing as a means to help others on their parenting and personal path.

In today’s episode, Holly drops tools and tips and talks about the five rights of parenting, which is a pattern and a method she picked up from being a nurse.

Becoming an author in service to other parents

Holly says becoming an author stemmed from having her four children and wanting to create a book that would serve other parents.

“I think parenting is one of the most intense initiations you will ever face in life,” says Holly. “You know, it's awesome, it's beautiful, it's joyful, but it can be messy and trying.”

She says self-awareness is a good first step, as many parents are so busy and don’t necessarily have the time to slow down and pause. When you’re giving and giving for your family, you can forget to check in on how you’re doing as a person.

5 rights of parenting

Holly drew from her background in nursing to develop the 5 rights of parenting – an homage to the 5 rights of medication administrating. This check in asks that you’re doing the right thing and not causing harm (the right medication, the right time, the right dose.)

In the same vein, the 5 rights of parenting is a way to touch base with how you’re presenting as a parent. They work to ensure you're doing the right thing and not causing unnecessary harm to your child or yourself in the process. Here are the 5 rights of parenting:

1. Right now

This speaks to being in the moment with your child and being present. It doesn't mean that you aren't going to be busy; when those moments hit you, I think what's important is that you set a time to connect. It gives your child that sense that you are there for them if you can't drop what you're doing. It also helps you to become more aware in your life because I think so many of us are on autopilot and we're not really giving our full attention to anything.

2. Right intent

This is being intentional about the choices you make, the guidelines you set and how you treat your child. If you don't know why you're doing what you're doing, it might be time to reevaluate your parenting strategy.

3. Right use of speech

This can be one of the toughest rights to implement. As a parent, your voice is a tool of creation; you have the power to uplift or tear down.

4. Right use of power

This is something that you want to wield with care. You are the one responsible for setting boundaries and discipline, and as the parent, you have the final say in whatever might arise.

“I also love the idea of having the dialog with your child,” says Holly. “Of also asking them what their boundaries feel like and inviting them into that conversation. It doesn't mean you necessarily you're going to agree with everything that they're sharing or, you know, but I think it gives them a seat at the table to be an active participant in your family.”

5. Right use of love

Holly says when you let your child know how much you love them and are there for them, it will help plant their spirit in deep, rich soil as they grow.

“I think it's also really important that you're giving love freely and without expectation. You know, your child, I believe, will likely mirror the love you give them,” says Holly.

And it doesn’t always mean that love is going to be rosy and cheery. You have hard moments that you have to process and deal with. But you can learn not to dysregulate as much and be present.

Responding vs reacting as a parent

There will also be moments where as a parent, you won’t show up the way you intend to. No matter how wonderful a person you are, modeling how to apologize is important because saying sorry and making amends will be used their whole life.

And give yourself some grace if you’re trying to break old habits. It takes time to shift your mindset into new, healthier patterns if that’s something that’s calling to you.

Holly says reaction is instinctual, and it can be easy to ignite when you’re raising children. Reaction is not thought out or typically helpful in terms of redirecting. Holly says what happens oftentimes with that exchange with your with your children, is you're shooting right back to them what they're offering you. You have a choice and you don't have to join in their emotional tornado. You have to choose to rise above or just hold space to not engage.

“Often parents have to make a snap decision, and they don't have the luxury to really think about how to optimally reply to a request and action or even a naughty behavior,” says Holly. “And I think in that moment of feeling overwhelmed, that that's when you say things or you set consequences that you might later regret.”

Then when it comes to response, this is more considerate and more thoughtful in nature. You're stopping your processing before you open your mouth. And that is a game changer. It does take more work. It takes more patience, both with yourself and with your children.

“Reflection is really that superpower in personal growth and in parenting,” says Holly. “I think to pause and to kind of turn the mirror around on yourself and say, okay, well, this is what I'm reading. How does this apply to my life? How does this feel to me?”

Reflection helps you take more ownership of who you are as an individual. Holly says even when you’re going through a hard time, rather than avoid the moments, try to align yourself and work through it. Try to become braver, stronger, better, kinder.